Retrospect

It's so interesting to look at these time capsule blogs. 

 Though I wrote these, I was both the same and oh so different. All of these posts bring the memories and emotions into bright clear view in my mind. I remember this person I was. 

 And so much of me is still the same. The love of the open road. The need to spread my wings and experience life, not just watch it pass. There is far too much in this world for us to only stay in our tiny corners. And though the world is incredibly accessible these days via the internet, it is so different to actually BE there, somewhere different, and feel and breathe it all in. 

 These days I have a partner who has the same wanderlust and craving for the road and the experiences it brings. And a tiny human who lets us see even things we've experienced with the eyes of someone somewhat new to the planet. It may take a bit more planning and money to travel with a tiny human, but we're making it happen and I love it so much! 

 The bucket list is neverending, and sometimes I think perhaps I should pick back up here and record the new adventures. Then in another fifteen years, I can look back at those too and smile at who I am now.

Slow build

Something I’m coming to learn about myself is that my anger takes a LONG time to break. When something happens and people are watching my reaction, more often than not I am calm. My instinctive reaction is to forgive. But that doesn’t mean that I remain unaffected. Maybe it’s shock? Whatever it is, my anger rises in the days after the fact. A slow swell that nonetheless is powerful as a tsunami. Yet after it crests and breaks, my instinct to forgive re-emerges. I’m stuck feeling like I am not entitled to my rage because I have already expressed forgiveness. And if I express it, people question why I didn’t express it immediately. And after expressing it, when I am back in a space of forgiveness, people act like I could irrationally enter a rage at any time or like I always hold past offenses against them. So I try to hold my tongue as my anger swells and crests. I know I will be back in a place of forgiveness afterwards, and I’d rather not muddy the waters. But forgiveness is not the same as pretending it didn’t happen. Our interactions will not remain unaffected.

Interminable Distance

I woke up from a thicket of strange dreams where you were there and you were there and you were there. Feeling as though I had just come an interminable distance in those moments between sleeping and waking. But the feeling didn't leave as this reality settled back into place. Rather, it grew. In the last three years I have indeed traveled further than I had imagined possible. Not physically. The paltry distance of 3,000 miles is nothing. But the person I was, with all her dreams and hopes, her desires and beliefs about herself and the world around her... She would never have seen me coming.

New Coast, New Adventures

I've been living in New Hampshire for a month now. It's interesting how sometimes it feels as though this is perfectly normal and there is no real adjustment. I've working full time. I'm nocturnal. There's not a whole lot different there. And yet sometimes I'm struck by how much I took for granted while living in SF. I find myself craving pho or sushi or real Mexican food. Mango sago and jasmine milk bubble tea, how I miss you. All the organizations and venues whose mailing lists I was on in SF continue to send me updates on all the amazing things I'm missing out on. And yet, as the weather cools and the leaves begin preparing for fall, I can feel that excitement that autumn air brings. I find myself anticipating hikes through colorful woods and hot cider. Sailing with hot tea in the thermos. The aurora borealis. The reemergence of my sweaters from my closet. And, hopefully, visits from a few friends with whom I can share some New England adventures.

Rumney

When Sleep Walks

Sleep has been elusive. Time to stalk it.
On the plus side, I'll probably be painting more again.

Blue Fairy